A search for my son’s roots and the bond between us.

Since my son left our house at the age of 21 to live in an assisted home, the distance between us has increased. Literally and figuratively. That's why I wanted to take my son back to the country where he was born. A search ~ búsqueda ~ for his roots, with a little hope that it would awaken something in him.

But the chance that you build a bond with a place that you have left around your first birthday is small. And it doesn't get bigger if your body and mind have suffered considerable scars because you were born 14 weeks early.

It wasn’t an easy trip. Often my son was very quiet and introverted. I couldn’t figure out wat he was feeling or thinking. It made me sad to see him like this. Later he would say to me :” Mom, I was a little overwhelmed”

 I will let you travel. You will see the love that I cherish for my son. It is a journey through Colombia, it is a journey through the emotional world of a complicated, but loving mother-son relationship. Life as it is. A continuous search.

A few months after our trip, my son started to open up and couldn’t stop talking about our trip together. Although he doesn’t want to go back (for now), he told me that he was proud to have Colombian roots.

*As a collaborative project, my son, also a rapper who writes his own lyrics, and I decided to create a video together. In this project, I used my son's raps, which he both wrote and performed. You can find it on this website.

"Life of Steen" is the story of a man who chose to be a nomad for life since the age of 13 and remained true to this promise until his recent death. It is a story about freedom and human resilience.

I bumped into Steen on a stormy day in March 2019. Both walking our dogs. I immediately felt intrigued by his characteristic appearance, his friendly eyes and his soft way of speaking. Steen had moored his ship that weekend at a dock in Amsterdam and he invited me over. Curious as I was I accepted the invitation which was the beginning of our friendship.

I cherish the many stories he shared and the adventurous life he led. I admire him being unique and not bothering what other people think of him. His independence, making the ship self-sufficient, allowed him the freedom to move it wherever he felt at home. Our shared passion for photography deepened our friendship. Steen revealed his past as a photographer in the ’60s and ‘70s, but he preferred the spontaneity of living day by day, often changing jobs.

A year after I first met him, Steen had to give up this way of life because of his declining health, old age, and financial constraints, leading him to sell his beloved ship, which had been his home for almost 43 years.

Always afraid of a life ashore, he now lives in his old camper-van on a piece of land without running water and electricity. This land belongs to his ex wife and her husband. Here, he tries to build a new, self-sustaining life and find a sense of home. However, his yearning for his old life persists.

After Steen's presence became too much for the owners of the land, they have forced him to leave his self-created paradise. With the help of a good friend, Steen was able to move to a piece of land behind a large empty farm somewhere in the middle of the country. The remains of various cancers and surgeries haven't knocked him out yet, but Steen has no energy left to again create a new paradise, new dreams or adventures.

As I look at him, searching for that old sparkle in his eyes, his sense of freedom seems to have vanished, like a bird that lost its wings

THE LAST CHAPTER

On January 13, 2024, Steen passed away in his trusted camper, just as he wished. He remained true to his promise to be a nomad for life.

In the weeks leading up to his death, Steen, with help from friends and family, planned his entire funeral. The card was ready, and his spot in the cemetery had already been chosen. The large, empty barn had been transformed into a unique space where he wanted friends and family to celebrate and remember him.

It was beautiful.

I miss my dear friend greatly, but I am infinitely grateful to have had the opportunity to know such a unique, kind, loving, and intelligent man. I am happy to share his uniqueness through my work with anyone who wants to get to know Steen and the inspiring way he lived his life.

Rest in peace, my dear sweet Steen.

To see more of ‘ Life of Steen’ please watch the short docu, filmed by Trip to the Moon Films

The soul, yearning to be free, against all odds and struggles – only to be confined by the limitations of an ageing body… This story unrolls in bold and strikingly humble pictures the story of a nomad who's wings are cut by circumstance, yet his will remains defiant. An intimate and sincere portrait with insight to the fragile core of an independent soul in beautiful honesty with the woman who portraits his final bloom.' ‘Gomma

Black transgender women in the United States face unique challenges, including discrimination, violence, healthcare disparities, economic limitations, homelessness, criminalization, and incarceration. CC’s story is a reflection of the struggles experienced by many black trans women in the US. It sheds light on the barriers they face, the resilience they embody, and the ever-present need for acceptance and support. May CC's memory serve as a reminder of the challenges yet to be overcome and the importance of fostering a world where everyone is embraced for who they are.

Once upon a time, in the shabby streets of Sweet Auburn, Atlanta, I met a soul who would forever leave an indelible mark on my heart. It was the year 2017 when I first met her, a black Trans woman named CC, facing the challenges of homelessness and addiction.

CC asked me to photograph her. Touched by her vulnerability, I agreed, promising to send the pictures to her via Facebook messenger. But I didn’t hear from her until February 2020.

"Hi, hi, how are you? I remember this," her message read. She told me that she was incarcerated unjustly. Despite the difficult circumstances, she found comfort in our connection through Facebook messenger by sending me video messages and letters. She knew the risks of getting caught using a smartphone. But her desire to stay in touch with the outside world was stronger than her fears.

During her incarceration, CC faced unimaginable cruelties as a trans woman trapped in a men's prison. Often placed in isolation for her own protection, she fought to preserve her spirit. It was within those walls that she refound her faith in God and immersed herself in the words of the Bible.

CC's resilience shined through as she maintained being positive, even expressing gratitude for her time in prison. It was there that she received the desired hormone treatments that allowed her to embrace her true self and break free from the grip of addiction.

January 2023, I received wonderful news - CC would be released in February. True to my promise, I immediately booked a flight to visit her. CC was granted parole and was welcomed back to her mother's house, even though her mother struggled to fully accept her as a Trans woman. CC was grateful for a place to stay, sleeping on the couch. Before my arrival, she had even managed to find a job, a source of immense pride for her.

During my visit, we shared unforgettable moments. We went out for meals, shopped for wigs and clothes, and had so much fun together. However, beneath the surface of her infectious positivity, I occasionally glimpsed moments of sadness in CC’s eyes.

It weighed heavy on my heart, knowing that building a fulfilling life in a country where acceptance would never be complete, would be a challenge for CC. Financial constraints prevented her from affording the full extent of her transition or maintaining hormone treatment, with no insurance and a low income.

On the last day of my visit, CC invited me to witness her First Fruit offering, where she donated her first paycheck to God in a mega church. Holding her Bible tightly, tears streaming down her face, she danced, sang, and proclaimed her devotion. CC firmly believed that this offering would bring immeasurable blessings, a sentiment underscored by a passage she had thickly highlighted in her Bible.

Heartbreakingly, just a week after I departed, the darkness she had fought so bravely against, returned to her life. CC gave in to the temptation of drugs, and two weeks later, tragedy struck. She suddenly passed away.

I made the journey back to attend her funeral, where she was laid to rest as a man. However, her beautiful memorial celebrated CC for who she truly was - a courageous Trans woman. Her mother shared with me that she had received CC as a son, and now, she wished to return her son to God, just as she had received him….

RIP my dear and brave CC, I will always remember you.

During a backstage photoshoot for the National Opera Ballet in Amsterdam at the beginning of 2020, I met the Belgian dancer Nina Tonoli. She had recently moved to Amsterdam, leaving behind her boyfriend and comfortable apartment in Vienna to pursue her dream of becoming a soloist at the Dutch National Ballet.

After the shoot, Nina asked me to collaborate more frequently. Intrigued by the woman behind the ballet dancer, I agreed. I was eager to understand if Nina's career felt more significant to her than feeling at home, considering she had been frequently moving since the age of 11 due to her dance career.

However, the pandemic soon disrupted our plans.

Years and years of training, rehearsing and performing six days a week suddenly got replaced by nothing. Dancers were forced to train at home to keep in shape via online lessons. Living in a tiny apartment in Amsterdam, missing her boyfriend and not being able to perform for a large audience. What does that do to your body and mind?

Something that would have been impossible with her usual demanding work schedule is that I had the opportunity to see her on a regular basis. Getting to know the woman behind the facade of a ballerina was an honor.

Hearing her speak passionately about her love for dance, despite enduring physical pains and sacrificing her personal life where even love seems to come second, was truly inspiring.

Her unwavering dedication to dance, willing to sacrifice everything for it, was remarkable

After all, A dancer needs to Dance

Mare is a thirteen-year-old girl, just like any other girl her age at first glance. But life at Mare's home is different. She has a brother with a serious muscle disease that gets worse over time and threatens his life. Simple things like going on vacation, eating out, or going to the beach aren't always possible or easy, unlike for many other families. Mare does her best to help out because she loves her brother and sees how much her parents struggle.

Like any typical 13-year-old, she wants to hang out with her friends and have fun, but afterward, she often feels guilty because her brother can't do those things.

Mare has come to accept that her brother won't get better, that things won't get easier, and that they'll face even more challenges in the future. However, the bond she shares with her parents and brother is strong and warm, providing her with comfort and support.

The reason why I started this project is because Mare reminds me of my own daughter at that age. While my son doesn't have a life-threatening disease, he is mentally disabled, both of them requiring considerable attention from their parents. In the Netherlands, there's even a term for it: "Brusje". This word is a blend of "broertje" (little brother) and "zusje" (little sister), used for siblings of children with disabilities or illnesses. Brusjes learn from a young age that their sibling requires more care than they do. Despite parents' efforts to prevent this, Brusjes often receive less attention themselves. They tend to be more nurturing and strive to assist their parents in caring for their sibling to the best of their abilities.

Derry lives in the drowsy Irish coastal town called Skerries. The first day back to school after his very first commune, Derry proudly wears his brothers suit instead of his usual school uniform. His mum bought him his own suit but he insisted wearing his brother’s suit. Derry is different than the other kids in his class. But that makes him unique. After school, his mother takes him to the beach where Derry is delighted to stay perfectly dressed in his ensemble.

A few years ago, I met Carlos in the small rural town of Tota in the Colombian highlands. His wife had recently passed away, a profound loss that deeply affected him. Unfortunately, Carlos didn't have the privilege of having children, and his family resides at least a 6-hour bus ride away. Despite having an occasional drinking buddy, Carlos often experiences a sense of loneliness.

Medellin, Colombia

Back in 1998, I traveled to Medellín, Colombia, to adopt my son. We had to stay there for a while to complete all the legal paperwork. However, Medellín wasn't a safe place at that time. A significant drug war was ongoing, even though Pablo Escobar, the infamous drug lord, had been dead for a few years. We felt scared and couldn't move around freely.

In 2014, I returned to Medellín for the first time since then and was surprised by how much safer it felt. Sure, there were still some areas where caution was necessary, but most people were genuinely friendly.

In 2018, marking the 25th anniversary of Escobar's death, I decided to visit Barrio Escobar, a neighborhood where Escobar had built 500 houses for the poor. The visit made me reflect on the complexity of his legacy and the resilience of the community.

It is estimated that Escobar was directly responsible for 8,000 murders. While the majority of Colombians view the violent era under Escobar as a dark chapter in their history, there are still individuals, both young and old, who idolize and romanticize him, denying his criminal actions. Escobar did provide various amenities for the poor.

However, I wonder why so many young people in this neighborhood still revere him, considering they weren't even born when he died. Is it because their parents and grandparents continue to uphold this adoration? These admirers affectionately refer to Escobar as "Pablito," the one who built their homes in Barrio Escobar.

Pablo Escobar was killed in his hometown on December 2nd, 1993.

Today, Barrio Escobar is a popular tourist spot, especially after the success of the well-known series "Narcos".

As a white mother of two adopted colored children, I am familiar with prejudices. Remarks or behavior from random people, sometimes hidden, sometimes as blunt as can be. Showing ignorance or even disapproval of a picture that does not fit in their opinion what is supposed to be ordinary for them. As if one could only love what is supposed to be common.

Through this project I want to show that these prejudices do not stand in the way of love. People can love each other no matter what color, gender, age, race or religion. And by showing this project, I hope people will see this and be more considerate.

Especially for this project I used my vintage Polaroid SX 70 cameras. With these old cameras it is unpredictable how the picture will come out. Like you never know how people will react.

The Polaroids are scanned, but I left the damages and scratches on the pictures. Like how people could be damaged by frequent exposure to bluntness and disapproval.

This project is made possible by “Het Steunfonds Freelance Fotografen” (Support Fund for freelance Photographers)